Abuse Is Real, Stop And Learn - Wisdom4Healing.online

A Loving Word Before We Begin

Dear Beloved,

If you’ve found your way here, it’s not by accident.

Maybe you feel emotionally exhausted, always second-guessing yourself. Maybe the love you once had has turned cold and sharp, like you’re tiptoeing through your own life just trying not to upset someone. Or maybe… you’re starting to realize you might be the one doing the hurting — and that truth is quietly shaking your soul.

Wherever you stand — whether you’re the one being hurt or the one who’s been hurting — please hear me out:

This is not who you are. This is not who God created you to be. And this is not the relationship He desires for you.

I know what it’s like to be in a relationship where emotional and mental abuse have shaped the atmosphere like an invisible storm cloud. I also know what it’s like to slowly wake up to the truth that I, too, was contributing to the pain. My own untreated wounds — my mental health, my fears, my need to control — they played a part in the cycle. And that realization broke me. But it also became the beginning of my healing.

I want to tell you something brave and true: you are not stuck.

God is not asking you to tolerate emotional abuse, whether it’s coming from another or coming through you.
He is the God of healing, not harm. Restoration, not manipulation. Peace, not fear.
And He is near — even in the most tangled places.

This post is here to help you understand what emotional and mental abuse looks like — how it begins, how it continues, how to know if you’re in it, and most importantly, how to break free. It is extensive and yes its long. But really gives a clear picture a person needs to really understand.

We’ll walk through this together: one truth, one page, one step at a time.

With grace and hope,
Lina

What Is Emotional and Mental Abuse?

Emotional and mental abuse can be hard to define because it often hides in plain sight.
Unlike physical abuse, there are no bruises, no broken bones — but the wounds are real. Deep. And they don’t go away without healing.

Emotional abuse is any pattern of behavior that tears down a person’s sense of self-worth, dignity, safety, or freedom — especially within close relationships. It’s the slow erosion of peace. It’s the daily drip of fear, guilt, control, or manipulation that keeps someone small, confused, or dependent.

This kind of abuse thrives in confusion. It may be masked as love, concern, “just joking,” or spiritual authority — but behind the words is a strategy (conscious or unconscious) to control.

Examples of Emotional and Mental Abuse:

Constant criticism or belittling
Gaslighting: making you question your memory or sanity
Silent treatment or emotional withdrawal as punishment
Threats (even subtle ones): “You’ll regret that,” “No one else would love you”
Using guilt to manipulate: “After all I’ve done for you…”
Controlling what you do, where you go, who you talk to
Explosive anger followed by charm and promises of change
Weaponizing Scripture or faith to shame, silence, or dominate
Shifting blame: never taking ownership, always pointing fingers

It’s important to know: even one of these behaviors, done repeatedly or in harmful ways, can be emotionally abusive.

And it’s not just men abusing women. Women can emotionally abuse men. Spouses can abuse each other. Adult children can abuse parents. Church leaders can abuse congregants. No one is immune — and no one has to stay in it.

This kind of abuse often escalates subtly over time. It’s a slow boiling of the water until you can’t feel how hot it’s become.

But here’s the hard truth wrapped in love:
Abuse is not just what “they” do. Sometimes, it’s what we do.

Sometimes we yell to get our way.
Sometimes we play the victim to avoid accountability.
Sometimes we withhold affection, punish with silence, or twist the truth to protect ourselves.
Sometimes, we justify our own abuse because we were abused.
But trauma is not an excuse for continuing harm.

Whether you’ve been abused, or you’re afraid you’ve become abusive — or both — please don’t look away. Keep reading.
Because recognition is the first step toward redemption.

How Emotional Abuse Develops in the Home

(The Generational Cycle)

No one is born emotionally abusive.

We learn how to love, express anger, deal with disappointment, and handle power by watching those who raised us.
Home is our first classroom. And when that home is soaked in control, manipulation, or fear, we carry those lessons into every relationship after.

Sometimes abuse is loud — screaming, threats, intimidation.
Other times, it’s quiet — icy silence, withheld affection, a constant undertone of shame or unpredictability.

Children absorb all of it.

They learn that love is conditional. That emotions are dangerous. That control equals safety.
And in many cases, they grow up and do the same things — because it feels normal.

“Hurt people hurt people.” But unless healing enters the story, the pain just gets passed down like an inheritance no one asked for.

Some grow up terrified of repeating what was done to them — but without help, they still might.
Others grow up thinking abuse is love, and so they find partners who treat them the same… or they become the one who wields the power they were once denied.

It’s a devastating cycle — but it’s also interruptible.

If this sounds familiar, you are not doomed. But it will take courage to look at your past honestly.

Signs you may have grown up in an emotionally abusive home:

You feel overly responsible for others’ emotions
You struggle with boundaries or saying “no”
You crave validation but fear conflict
You can’t trust peace — it makes you nervous
You either over-control or completely shut down
You normalize dysfunctional behavior in relationships

Without intentional healing, these patterns become how we connect, how we parent, how we love… and how we wound.

But the good news — the God-sized news — is this:

“The iniquity of the fathers” may visit the third and fourth generation (Exodus 34:7),
but the mercy of the Lord stretches to a thousand generations for those who love Him (Deut. 7:9).

Generational trauma is real.
But generational healing is greater.

Are You Being Abused?

How to Recognize the Signs

One of the hardest things about emotional abuse is that it’s often invisible — especially when you’re the one living in it.

It can take years to realize what you’ve been experiencing has a name.
And even when you do… you might still excuse it:

“It’s not that bad.”
“They’re just stressed.”
“I probably overreacted.”
“But they love me.”

Abuse often doesn’t start with threats.
It starts with charm. Then control. Then confusion. Then fear.

If someone constantly makes you feel “less than,” afraid to speak up, or unsure of your own memory or value — it may not just be a “toxic relationship.”
It may be emotional or psychological abuse.

Here are common signs you may be in an emotionally abusive relationship:

Emotional and Mental Abuse Checklist

You feel like you’re “walking on eggshells” around them
You’re frequently blamed — even for things you didn’t do
You second-guess your memory, emotions, or decisions
You’re belittled, mocked, or made fun of — especially in private or public arguments
Your needs and boundaries are often ignored or minimized
You’re isolated from friends, family, or support systems
Apologies (if given) are hollow, and behavior rarely changes
You’re told you’re “too sensitive” or “crazy” when you try to speak up
You feel drained, scared, numb, or even worthless in their presence
They use your faith, past, or fears to control or guilt you
Your accomplishments are downplayed or ignored
You’re not allowed to disagree — or if you do, there’s punishment

But they’ve never hit me…
You don’t need bruises for it to be abuse.
But they also have good days…
Abuse often comes in cycles. The calm doesn’t cancel out the damage.

Emotional abuse breaks down your identity — little by little, until you no longer recognize yourself.

If your peace, confidence, or sense of safety has been swallowed up in the name of “love” — it is not love.
Love does not seek to control.
Love does not punish you for feeling.
Love does not make you disappear.

You may feel stuck, afraid, ashamed, or unsure of what to do. But you’re not alone. There is a way forward — and it starts with naming the truth.

And truth, dear one, will set you free.

Are You Abusing Others?

Warning Signs You Might Be Hurting the People You Love

This might be the hardest section to read — but it could also be the most life-changing.
Because if you’ve never had healthy examples of love, communication, or emotional regulation… you may not even realize that your behavior is causing harm.

Let me be crystal clear:
You are not a monster.
But you might be repeating a cycle that was never meant to continue.

Hurting people hurt people — unless they choose to heal.

We live in a culture where emotional control, outbursts, silent treatments, and manipulation are often normalized — or even praised as being “strong” or “not letting anyone walk over you.” But real strength looks like restraint, responsibility, and repentance.

So let’s get honest.

Signs You May Be Abusing Someone Emotionally or Mentally:

You frequently lose your temper and later justify it as “just being honest” or “they pushed me too far”
You criticize or insult someone in ways that attack who they are (not just what they did)
You give the silent treatment to punish them
You twist their words or make them question what really happened (“gaslighting”)
You bring up past failures to control current behavior
You demand loyalty or love, but withhold your own until they “earn it”
You use spiritual language (or Scripture) to shame or guilt
You feel the need to control who they see, talk to, or how they express themselves
You regularly play the victim to avoid taking responsibility
You minimize their emotions or tell them they’re “too sensitive”
You feel entitled to obedience, submission, or forgiveness — without accountability

If any of this hits close to home, it’s okay to pause. To breathe. To cry. To admit it.

You don’t have to stay this person.
And you don’t have to carry the weight of your own brokenness in silence.

Abusers are not just villains in movies. They’re real people — scared, traumatized, emotionally immature, or out of control. But being real doesn’t make the behavior right.

Abuse may not be your intention. But impact matters more than intention.

What matters now is what you do next.

➡️ Will you seek help?
➡️ Will you confess the truth?
➡️ Will you let God soften what life has hardened?

If you’re ready to break the cycle, you don’t need to do it alone. There are therapists, pastors, support groups, and accountability partners who can walk beside you as you unlearn the patterns that hurt the people you love — and yourself.

And God? He is not finished with you. He disciplines those He loves (Hebrews 12:6), but never to destroy — only to restore.

The Cycle of Abuse

Why It Keeps Happening — and Why It’s So Hard to Leave

Emotional and mental abuse rarely looks chaotic all the time.

In fact, that’s what makes it so confusing.
There are moments when everything feels okay again — even loving. That’s why so many victims stay. That’s why so many abusers believe they’ve changed.
But those moments of calm are often just another part of the cycle.

Abuse is not a one-time act.
It is a repeating pattern — predictable, painful, and deceptive.

This pattern is known clinically as The Cycle of Abuse, and it usually has four phases:

The Four Phases of the Abuse Cycle:

Tension Building

The abuser becomes moody, distant, critical, or controlling.
The victim tries to keep the peace, often walking on eggshells or trying to please.
There’s a growing sense of dread.
Conversations feel like landmines.

Incident (Explosion)

The tension breaks.
There may be yelling, insults, accusations, threats, manipulation, silent treatment, or outbursts of rage.
The victim may shut down, cry, panic, or try to defend themselves.

Reconciliation (Honeymoon)

The abuser apologizes… or just acts like nothing happened.
Gifts, affection, or words like “I’ll change” may be given.
The victim feels relief or hope — maybe this time will be different.
The relationship seems to stabilize.

Calm (False Peace)

Life feels normal again, even pleasant.
The abusive incident is minimized or forgotten.
The victim begins to doubt how bad it was.
The cycle quietly begins again…

Why the Cycle Continues:

Victims may stay because of love, fear, guilt, trauma bonding, or belief in change.
Abusers may calm down and truly want to do better — but without true accountability and help, the root issue remains.
Both may believe the good times cancel out the bad.
In Christian homes, this is often worsened by misuse of Scripture like “love bears all things” or “wives submit…” taken out of context.

But here’s what must be said plainly:

A calm season after abuse is not healing — it’s part of the pattern.
And it will repeat until someone breaks the cycle.

In your own story, Lina, you didn’t just wait for peace — you chose it. You removed yourself. You got help. And you began to heal the parts of yourself that contributed to the cycle, too. That’s courage. That’s deliverance. That’s what it looks like to say:
“No more.”

When Two Wounded People Stay in the Cycle

When Love and Pain Are Intertwined

Not every abusive relationship is made up of a cruel aggressor and an innocent victim.
Sometimes, it’s more complex — two hurting people, stuck in a rhythm of reaction and regret. Each one bleeding from old wounds, each one swinging between needing love and fearing vulnerability.

This kind of dynamic is especially common in adult relationships where both individuals come from emotionally unhealthy or abusive homes.
They may have never been taught how to communicate without control…
how to express pain without punishment…
how to love without fear.

Trauma meets trauma. And instead of healing, it becomes survival.

In these relationships, each partner might cycle through being the victim and the abuser:

One person lashes out in anger, then pleads for forgiveness.
The other retreats into silence, then explodes later with shame and blame.
Neither feels truly safe, and both feel unheard.
Intimacy becomes emotional warfare instead of refuge.

It may even feel like love. But it’s not love — not in the way God designed it.
It’s trauma bonding. A counterfeit closeness, rooted in shared pain rather than shared peace.

Signs of Mutual Wounding:

Frequent role-switching between attacker and appeaser
Deep guilt paired with deep blame
Jealousy, dependency, emotional highs and lows
Repeated promises to change without sustainable growth
Using the other person’s behavior to justify your own
Staying out of fear of being alone, not because of mutual respect or safety

In these relationships, both partners often feel stuck.
Each may believe that if the other one just “got better,” the relationship could finally work.
But the truth is — no one can heal for the other.
Each person must do their own inner work. Individually. Honestly. And with help.

Sometimes that healing can happen within the relationship — but only if:

Both people acknowledge the harm
Both are willing to seek outside help (counseling, trauma therapy, mentorship)
Both commit to change, not just words

Other times, the most loving thing you can do is separate — not as a punishment, but as a pathway to healing. Not to give up on love, but to give love a fighting chance to grow right.

Why It’s So Hard to Leave (or Stop Abusing)

Unraveling the Hold That Emotional Abuse Has on the Heart

If it was “just bad,” it would be easy to walk away.
If it was “just wrong,” it would be simple to stop.
But abuse, especially emotional abuse, doesn’t live in absolutes. It blends pain with pleasure, harm with hope, control with closeness.

That’s why so many people stay.
And why so many abusers repeat their behavior even when they swear they won’t.

Abuse doesn’t only happen on the outside — it takes root on the inside.
And healing that… takes time, truth, and usually, help.

The Invisible Chains: Why People Stay

• Trauma Bonding

This happens when the same person who wounds you also comforts you.
Your brain begins to associate abuse with love, chaos with connection. It’s like a drug — intense highs and devastating lows, but deeply addictive.

• Fear of Being Alone

Especially for those who grew up in neglectful homes, being alone can feel worse than being mistreated. At least someone is there. At least you’re not invisible.

• Hope for Change

Abuse isn’t constant — it comes in cycles. After the storm, the apologies feel real, the good moments feel magical. You want to believe that this time, it’ll last.

• Guilt and Shame

You may feel like the abuse is your fault. That you provoked it. That you’re “too emotional,” “too sensitive,” or “too broken.” Shame convinces you that you deserve it.

• Spiritual Confusion

In Christian circles, verses about submission, forgiveness, or long-suffering are sometimes twisted to mean “stay no matter what.” But God never asks His children to tolerate destruction. More on this in the faith section soon.

• Financial or Family Dependence

Some victims stay because they don’t see a way out — no money, no support system, kids in the middle, and fear of retaliation.

Why Abusers Keep Abusing

Abusers often aren’t cartoon villains. They’re wounded people too — stuck in pride, fear, and emotional immaturity.
They may say they’ll change — and even mean it in the moment — but without consistent accountability, therapy, and a changed heart, the cycle restarts.

They feel out of control and try to regain it by controlling others.
They may see emotions as weakness and use anger to feel powerful.
They often blame others because facing their own pain feels unbearable.
They use manipulation because honesty feels too vulnerable.

And when they aren’t confronted, when consequences are soft or delayed… they begin to believe it’s not really that bad.

But the truth is:

You can’t heal what you won’t admit. And you can’t admit what you keep excusing.

Whether you’re the one who keeps staying, or the one who keeps hurting others — you are not hopeless.
But you may need to do something radically brave:
Step out of the cycle.
Seek real help.
Let God in.

How to Begin Breaking the Cycle

Practical and Spiritual Steps Toward Healing

You’ve made it this far — that means there’s already something stirring in you: a desire for truth, a craving for freedom, a flicker of hope that maybe, just maybe, your story could change.

Let me tell you something from my own heart:
That flicker is holy.
It’s the breath of God whispering: You were made for more.

Breaking the cycle of emotional and mental abuse — whether you’re the one being harmed or the one doing the harming — is never easy. But it’s possible. And it’s worth it.

Here are some of the first real, tangible steps you can take:

Step One: Name What’s Happening

Truth is the beginning of healing. Speak it. Write it. Say it to someone safe.
Whether it’s, “I’m being emotionally abused,” or “I think I’ve been emotionally abusive,” — the truth breaks the fog. And truth, as Jesus said, sets us free (John 8:32).

Step Two: Get Safe

If you’re in danger — physically, emotionally, mentally — you need to prioritize safety.
This may mean calling a domestic abuse hotline, staying with someone you trust, or making a safety plan with a counselor.
God is not asking you to be loyal to a relationship that is destroying you.

Step Three: Seek Wise Counsel

Look for:

Licensed trauma-informed therapists (some offer sliding scale or free sessions)
Faith-based counselors who understand both spiritual and psychological abuse
Support groups (many online)
Mentors or church leaders trained in shepherding the wounded, not shaming them

You don’t have to figure this out alone. You were never meant to.

Step Four: Stop Making Excuses

Whether you’re staying with someone who’s hurting you, or you’re the one hurting someone else — now is the time to stop justifying the cycle.

It doesn’t matter how much stress you’re under.
It doesn’t matter how much trauma you’ve had.
It doesn’t matter how many “good moments” there are.

If it’s abuse, it’s not love. And if it’s abuse, it must change.

Step Five: Rebuild Your Identity

Emotional abuse leaves you confused, often disconnected from who you really are.
Start small:

Journal your thoughts daily
Spend time in the Word (we’ll cover this in Section 10)
Say out loud: “I am not what happened to me. I am who God says I am.”
Reconnect with safe, healthy people who see your worth

Step Six: Invite God Into the Process

This isn’t a self-help journey. This is soul-healing.
Only the Lord can reach into those shattered places and bring true restoration.
Cry out to Him. Lay down the relationship. Lay down the shame.
Ask Him to lead you into truth — and He will.

God’s Heart for Healing the Broken

Truth, Comfort, and Holy Courage from the Word of God

Abuse has a way of twisting everything — even Scripture.

It tells you to stay quiet in the name of peace.
To endure suffering in the name of submission.
To carry shame in the name of humility.
But this is not the heart of our Father.

God does not ask His children to tolerate abuse.
He is not glorified when His daughters are diminished.
He is not honored when His sons are humiliated.
He is not asking you to cover sin that continues to harm — He’s calling it into the light to heal it.

What God Says About the Abused

“The Lord is near unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.”
— Psalm 34:18 (KJV)

“He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.”
— Psalm 147:3 (KJV)

“Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee…”
— Isaiah 41:10 (KJV)

“For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds, saith the Lord.”
— Jeremiah 30:17a (KJV)

What God Says to the Abuser

He does not condone abuse — not emotional, not verbal, not spiritual.

“The Lord trieth the righteous: but the wicked and him that loveth violence his soul hateth.”
— Psalm 11:5 (KJV)

“He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy.”
— Proverbs 28:13 (KJV)

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.”
— Ephesians 5:25 (KJV)

True repentance is not just saying “I’m sorry.” It is turning, confessing, forsaking the old way — and walking in newness of life.

What God Says About Freedom and Worth

“If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.”
— John 8:36 (KJV)

“Ye are bought with a price; be not ye the servants of men.”
— 1 Corinthians 7:23 (KJV)

“I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.”
— Jeremiah 31:3b (KJV)

“Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee.”
— Song of Solomon 4:7 (KJV)

God sees you. The real you.
Not the version your abuser made you into.
Not the mask you wear to survive.
Not the brokenness you feel defines you.
He sees you. And He loves you right here, in this moment.

And if you let Him — He will lead you out.

Out of abuse.
Out of fear.
Out of shame.
And into healing, dignity, and joy.

A Prayer for the Wounded and the Wounding

Father God,
You see every heart reading these words.
The weary, the angry, the trapped, the ashamed.
You see the bruises no one else does.
You hear the words that were never spoken.
You know the hurt that’s been caused — and the hurt we’ve caused others.
Lord, break the chains. Shine Your light into every dark place.
Speak truth into confusion, peace into torment, courage into fear.
Let repentance rise. Let healing begin. Let the cycle end — today.
We believe You are the God who makes all things new.
And we say yes, Lord.
Come and heal what no one else can.
In Jesus’ mighty name,
Amen.

Sources & Resources: Medical Studies, Tools, and Support

Generational Cycle & Long-Term Effects

Childhood maltreatment and parenting: Childhood emotional abuse is strongly linked to similar parenting behaviors in adulthood—supporting the idea of a generational cycle adelaidenow.com.au+15pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov+15news.com.au+15.
Emotional abuse prevalence and mental health impact: Emotional abuse is among the most common childhood maltreatment types, leaving lasting scars on mental health pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov+1bmcpsychiatry.biomedcentral.com+1.
Breaking the cycle through healthy relationships: Safe and stable parental and intimate relationships can disrupt intergenerational abuse psychcentral.com+15pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov+15army.mil+15.

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)

Toxic stress and adult impact: ACEs—including emotional neglect or seeing violence—dramatically increase risk of depression, substance abuse, heart disease, and more en.wikipedia.org.
Recognition of Emotional Abuse
Signs and health effects: Emotional abuse tactics (gaslighting, control, isolation) erode self-worth and can lead to anxiety, depression, PTSD iuhealth.org+15medicalnewstoday.com+15psychcentral.com+15.
Academic confirmation: Emotional abuse is a validated topic in clinical research, emphasizing recognition and early intervention pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov+3tandfonline.com+3pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov+3.

Cycle of Abuse & Trauma Bonding

Clinical model – Walker’s cycle: Widely referenced four-phase model—Tension, Incident, Reconciliation, Calm—applies to emotional abuse too en.wikipedia.org.
Traumatic bonding explained: Alternating love and pain create powerful, rot—making it hard to leave even harmful relationships .

Practical Resources & Support

Trauma-informed therapists (look for sliding scale/offers online or through local churches)
Faith-based counselors trained in emotional abuse and spiritual abuse
Support groups: HealthyBoundaries.com, DomesticShelters.org (Canada: The BC Society of Transition Houses)
Hotlines:
- Canada: Crisis Services Canada, 988 (text or call)
- U.S.: National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Journals & handouts: Many therapists provide free PDF guides on emotional boundaries and abuse cycles